Your wife is probably looking for connection, and shell start to lean towards positive talk if thats what she finds connects her to you. I absolutely 100% get that this must be exhausting and draining and stressful for the letter writer. I definitely agree with Alison that you need to talk to her abut the effect the constant negativity has on you. Not just you. Great observation, CCC. Watch this video right now to learn about 3 techniques that will help you repair your relationship (even if your wife isnt interested at the moment). Which, yes, she technically can, anyway, but realistically we all know that thats not how life works when youre part of a couple/family/etc. I can believe that. I dont want to hear about her every day! And, it worked; I managed to figure out how to be less vocal about a thing I couldnt change and my bosses wouldnt. Lastly, absolutely she should see what to do about fixing the situation, including finding a new job! Its gotten to a point where we can joke about it a little, not in a passive-aggressive way but just poking fun at the habit, like I can tease him that, oh are you about to tell me about something annoying where the pros ultimately outweigh the cons so you dont actually want to change anything?. I have to do this now. The only thing that saved our sanity was venting to each other. Nobody wants to hear the gory details, and I say this as someone who can watch surgeries and other gory things all day without batting an eye. WebOur breaking political news keeps you covered on the latest in US politics, including Congress, state governors, and the White House. ), The ultimate solution was actually to ditch those jobs. I found that 20mg of Lexapro a day made living with a chronic complainer and fault finder much easier. It just feels good to get it out of my system. After listening to a lengthy rant about her job, I interrupted her and stated loudly, Sounds like you need to look for a new job, when are you going to start putting out resumes?. But if you dont want to hear it at all, you need to speak up that this is distressing you too much and that while you care, you also need to disengage from the venting. I understand Pumat Sols point, so approach this delicately, but I think this could really work well! It has to be here is my boundary, here is what I need, and then asking her what she needs and how he can meet it without the endpoint being right inside his boundaries. Since meetings and work-from-home means were in the same house but not interacting during the day, the first thing we do when we log off is go for a walk. My point is, absolutely the husband needs to be direct about how this is impacting him, hopefully as gently as possible, because she sounds really miserable about her work and probably is not going to get the hints he is dropping. But, I guess the thing that bothers me the most about him talking about his day so much is that he outright ignores me when I talk about my day (which is so rare, maybe 1 or 2 times a year do I talk about my day). Impressive sounding stuff. She can call a friend or take a walk around the block. Sometimes you just got let the storm whirl and wear itself out. These days her apologies have stopped being apologies; just her dropping the fight and pretending it never happened. Are you actively looking for any sign, cue, verbiage that could be considered as complaining? You dont have to be a scientist to figure out whats going on. Also since theres several of us, if someone is getting to extreme BEC-ness in their griping, its easier to gently redirect them into perhaps a more constructive mindset if things are getting out of hand. Somehow commuting in the dark snow doesnt have quite the same effect. Journal is good. Traditional male lifestyles do not require perpetual motion of the mouth, be they working with heavy, noisy machinery or in the. I dont know, Im not a doctor. But let yourself into the mix without blaming your wife. It is imperative to the health of your relationship that you stop being the recipient of all of your wifes complaints. Anyway after a couple of months of misery we agreed to go for a walk after work (if possible to the beach and back) and while we were walking he could vent all he wanted but once back in the house he had to stop. That was food for thought mostly. Would she be able to do that with her coworkers now? OPs wife needs an outlet at work! Like maybe, I love to hear about your day, but I also like mixing things up sometimes. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. I know that I would complain more if left to my own devices; my best friend and I have always bonded over bitching about whatever was going on. I know the feeling of the OP, and Im similarly at a loss about what to do about it. It sounds like your wife is burned out and, in that case, it can be difficult to focus on how to extricate yourself from the situation. I admit I dont love the level of judgement here. But I would also back it up and think about what she really needs/is looking for. Agreed. So Id say a lot depends on the scenario. Her recommendation about creating rituals to end the workday feels really good for this situation. Not just in the same room. My partner returned to therapy a few months ago and their complaining to me has almost completely stopped. The children who were randomly labeled smart, actually performed better in school. Lay out your boundaries and offer to help her find alternatives, sure. Leaving isnt an option, so managing the built-up steam really is important! This may end your marriage and you need to be prepared for that and not be willing to go back to how things were to protect the marriage. That book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by the Nagoskis has some good ideas here! I feel this so hard, and I vigorously applaud you for setting those boundaries and sticking to them. But in your heart you knew that threats like those were never truly serious. I cant change it, and I cant thrive in it.. I vent and feel better. 02 (4.44) Another fantasy and its consequences. However, no one likes to be the recipient of all of someones complaints, nor does anyone want all of their conversations with a real friend to be about complaints. :). Men can write rude rabbit-rabbit songs about us all they like, it is not our fault. Then you can set the dinner table as the chat zone (pre or post work decompress time) instead of the unload zone. So I could be both OP and OPs spouse! Its probably psychological unfortunately. Previously, I tried to avoid her but it was a small church. update: I work at Twitter what do I do? I think its just another aspect that is unique to each relationship how partners determine what and how those discussions end up into their lives. But other things were helpful too therapy (an outside 3rd party to vent/talk to about anything is great! If the timer goes off (sometimes they finish before that! You seem to have made up your mind about telling her. You dont have to complain about everything (or anything, really).. In many cases, you or your partner have to take some punches from the other persons parents. It helped us both for me to unpack what I needed from the complaining. The other thing I do sometimes is ask a question I think I saw on Captain Awkward: Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?, And sometimes, if I also had a hard day, Ill say I cannot be the audience for this right now; lets talk about something else.. Answer (1 of 15): A relative of mine. My ex was/is like this. One of the ways I went about addressing this with my spouse was to point out, at a different calmer time, that when they complained to me I didnt see if bring them any relief. 2022 tpm media llc. My poor mental health was affecting my husband and his mental health. testosterone, she says, shrinks the area of the brain responsible for communication, leaving women with relatively more cells available for it. how does he think she feels? She may also want to take up some means of self-expression such as journalling, crafting, or art. It poisoned the good times we had because I dreaded when the negative talk would come. Try this technique with your MIL, mentioned in a thread above (which I have also used with great success): I hear you, that sounds hard what are you planning to do about it?. These kinds of things can be normal when its around that time of the month for her, but if its been happening for weeks then you might have an issue on your hands. I especially think it could work if you both instituted a 45-minute solo wind-down time when you each get home from work (to do solo activities like LifeBeforeCorona suggested). It can be an outlet for him without necessarily being an inlet for me, if that makes sense. Play board games or video games, watch a movie, plan a hike, do a puzzle. Ive been at a new organization for just over 3 years and its great, I rarely get emails that make me want to throw my computer across the room and I have not cried in my office once! In all seriousness, he did have to have a word with me several years back that my near constant complaining about something or another was wearing down *his* mental health and could I summarise things into a shorter time slot and write the rest down in a journal or something? I used to have a friend/roommate who was Very Into some stuff that I just could not care less about. Hack Spirit is one of the leading authorities providing practical and accessible relationship advice. If the job causes that much stress, she might as well use the remediation that the company provides. If its not your turn to hate your job, it makes you reframe all of the things youd normally be complaining about. Do you know? When we are around her, he becomes just as negative. she was on the phone to me (WFH) sometimes twice a day and often weeping down the phone. Totally blows, how can they only give you a month to do that? When was the last time your wife asked you about your day, or whether youve eaten, or what you would like to do? If shes complaining pretty much daily about her job, to me, it sounds like its time to find a new workplace. He has gotten much better now and has helped me improve my complaining as well. I would second (or third, or whatever number were up to at this point) the your ten minutes starts now idea, and then, when the ten minutes are up, if shes still going, you can leave. Offering specific solutions is just not whats needed here. The hour after my spouse gets off work is the time he can vent/complain/not talk about work as he wishes. We do kind of the same thing, but playing with the dog in the backyard. My partner and I have found success in actually outlining a complaining framework: They dont need the partner to try to fix things. sooner rather than later. So there we have it. Ooooof, I feel for you. I wanted to have a place to vent other than to my husband. Then when the situation actually presented itself, what she had anticipated didnt happen. My husband and I commuted (car-pooled) together, over an hour each way. Even after the work conversation would wrap up and we moved on to other things, he would constantly manage to bring up work complaints as part of unrelated conversations. The disagreements and arguments are expected, but the ability to move on from those issues peacefully and with love still in your heart is something you and your wife have to actively develop and master. Getting in the habit of complaining at length about the same annoyances every day doesnt accomplish much beyond tiring out everyone around youit doesnt reduce the number of annoyances or the degree to which they are annoying, it doesnt get your coworkers or your manager to shape up, it doesnt make your clients nicer/smarter/less frustrating, it doesnt sent out resumes, it doesnt do any of the things that would actually make the situation more bearable. This can be difficult because we work for the same company (different departments). But you dont have to listen to it constantly either! Is it possible the effort required to do this makes you feel resentful that your wife isnt controlling her urge to complain in the same way? It was actually a comment hear at AAM that provided a pretty useful strategy to me before pretend I ranted, https://www.askamanager.org/2021/11/am-i-the-toxic-complainer-i-dont-want-to-hire-an-anti-vaxxer-and-more.html#comment-3651893. I really do think that when your work affects your life so much that you have to rant to someone for hours every day, somethings wrong. When I had a time in my life that I had a ton of negative thoughts and feelings that I needed to get out, but I didnt want all my interactions with others to be complaining, I did journaling, which is not a usual thing for me. But dont worry, many of us have been there before. For about 2 years, I would complain & vent & be at various level of outrage about a plethora of issues, from the work itself to insane (in-house) paperwork, to the (lack of) support & validation, incl. Id feel like Im still on the job. And be firm: we have done ten minutes of after-work processing, time to turn off the tap is a super reasonable request. I was miserable at work, was being asked to do different duties than I was hired for, and my attempts to discuss my growth opportunities were glazed over by my manager. Just because a marriage has issues doesnt mean youre headed for divorce. Time limit is good, but if the complainer exceeds it, maybe a stop-word could help. After ever single bad meeting, he would debrief with me since we were in the same space. Like being given a gift of something thats already mine and being expected to be grateful for it. Sixty years of separate but equal. So sometimes I just have to say stop talking at me, come and give me a cuddle and Ill tell you a funny thing that happened today. I also love the suggestion to ask for something positive about the day as well, and for OP to get a chance to talk about their own day. And then this could help them filter which tories that they tell you. Or, Argh I had such a dayIm glad youre home, lets take a walk! OP, youre not the arbiter of how things should be, neither for your partner specifically nor in general. Years ago I came across the concept of Rose, Bud, Thorn, a thinking exercise where you sum up the day by picking out the rose (the highlight of the day, like positive feedback or something), the thorn (the worst thing that happened, like John was being a smarmy jackass in the Widgets meeting again), and the bud (something youre excited about). Oh, man. A comment about me complaining is more apt to elicit a defensive response though so the wording is key, I think. Encourage her to journal. Before would probably make it easier to get through dinner without it though, if that is feasible! She recommended a therapist who could help him work through some of the issues he was having and he decided to do that. After shes had time to vent maybe ask her some questions like: -What was the best part of your day? She may feel they have the perfect synergy. I especially like the visual as I think it will help me remember to do it. Was she denied a promotion (directly or implied)? Once people understand what they are doing and its impact they should be able to moderate their behavior. If you want to know a profession less valued & more underpaid than primary education, look no further. He thought it was funny and that I wouldnt do it. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. Not respecting your boundaries IS a choice that isnt okay, but you first have to discern and communicate those boundaries! But every day? I get that its exhausting to listen to someone complain but its exhausting to work customer service jobs. Instead I found him in our houses hallways! I mean she (almost) literally will NOT. You cant manage her emotions; she is fully in charge of them. Its a good conversation opener about dependency in a relationship, too. I think setting a time/location limit can definitely be useful. Now, back then, a complaint meant to me that I was being asked for solutions. Yeah. But when was the last time she actually apologized for something she said or did? When I knew I was looking at a tough day, or a tough meeting, or had to meet with a parent (those were ALWAYS tough), Id wear that blazer and then take it to the drycleaner to get all the people crap out of it. I would feel like Im expected to be grateful for being given the gift of my own time which is already mine to begin with. from the more physical expressions of anger, which creates a link in your subconscious of anger = feels good which then makes your brain want to be angry more to get those benefits. Even if Im still working, I always take a 15 minute break for our shower chats). Could this be an expression of depression or anxiety? A good therapist and listen and provide suggestions to reduce the stress and anxiety she seems to be feeling, while also reducing the burden on the OP. So if she used to turn to you for advice with things that were troubling her, and now she couldnt care less what you have to say, then thats obviously a bad sign. If its supposedly so easy and (also so necessary) for her to change this, then itd be easy for him to do the same and stop getting so riled up by hearing it, right? It was weird in the moment, but I was grateful later. Im Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. The food, the temperature of the restaurant, the smartass look someone gave them on the bus, their families, their pets, their mail carrier, the sermon their pastor delivered a month agosheesh. I love using that line on complainers! Perhaps a different time to let her rant, like while you are watching TV? So, if there is nothing she can change, and the situation leads to more than 15 minutes a day of griping, I would suggest that she might want to evaluate whether she should look for a new place that didnt stress her out so much. (The socks were dark colors and hard for me to see.) In the SimplyHired survey 84% of men and 61% of women reported romantic attraction to their work spouse. Theres participation in a marriage then there is QUALITY/meaningful participation in a marriage. Again not as a threat, but to protect your mental health. Any time either of you wants to complain, you have to say something else, like tulips make the world go round. (also, I was raised Catholic but have not been in a church in 25ish years but somehow I sort of like Lent maybe because its spring; I still often observe Lent, and I know others do, too). its mentally draining on her as well to feel like she isnt treated right at work, and thats 9 hours a day. And in the same vein, you also wont experience true forgiveness from her ever again. And yes, I call him out on it, which makes him mad and usually causes him to leaveonly to return later with more complaints. There was a long long silence on the phone before she said goodbye. Perhaps its time for your wife to find a new job? I agree and am kind of irritated at how many people are saying she needs to fix everything bothering her or can only complain for five minutes or how hard it is to listen to complaints. It was the difference between how was your day resulting in an hour plus of stressed out ranting vs. it was fine! kind of thing. Some people need to unpack their heads out loud in order to release it. So now the big things have to wait until after the kids are in bed, which means I need to prioritize what is the most important thing to get off my chest. After several weeks off work sick he went back and threw himself into job hunting. But thats another issue. But in the less rarefied social climate of the real world, there is no such even playing field. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. Honestly you could make bank off of this. He started the conversation about me getting a new job. A caveat to your first suggestionwhile depression or some other medical reason could be the cause of the venting if this is new-ish, it seems to me that if her job is that bad, she needs a new job, not a doctor. I dont have a great script for broaching the idea to her, but as someone who used to complain a lot and got sick of being a whiny negative person and resolved to fix it (I am still a work in progress), this is one thing that I have found helps reframe your day from ughhhhhh all these THINGS happened to hunting around picking roses and remembering to be excited about things. Obviously there are circumstances this would not apply to so easily, but for the majority of the garden variety work annoyances we have to deal with, this is a very sound rule. I now have two kids one of them is the same!! Someone said that to me once when I was complaining. I feel bad for the OPs wife (not because of the OP, but because I work in a job which, while I mostly like it most of the time, involves a lot of emotional labor too), and cynical about all the comments suggesting that shes probably just a super negative habitual whiner who should make better choices. It wasnt hard to break that pattern. And let me tell you, my job is NUTS. Now I dont hate my kitchen quite so much. You would still be listening to the complaint, but it doesnt feel so heavy. And I generally stuck to the time limit, then took a few deep breaths and moved on. I wouldnt want to be the friend who had to hear it every day either. I have also tried the Okay, youve just spent 10 minutes b*tching about Subject that actually doesnt really affect you in any way, now list 3 good things but as hes a grown-a$$ adult, that only goes so far. wanting to be near family), the whole field is like this and in order to improve things shed need to retrain for a different field? In other words, we may end up thinking about our work spouses in a sexual way, just because of the label. Whenever his wife complains excessively, start complaining back! I dont think he realised the duration and frequency himself. If she doesnt like writing, she can record a video with her phone or laptop. playing the part of a Happy Helpful Smiley Person [as part of your job] is what the term emotional labor, which people often misuse to mean anything where their family or friends are expressing emotions to them or they have emotions about another persons behavior, ACTUALLY means. It has all worked out really well for him BUT I am worried that my good boundary setting actually prevented me from noticing the moment Oak tipped from venting about work to verge of mental health crisis. Your wife probably doesnt even know why she cant stop talking rubbish but the moodier you get the more you pull away the MORE shell be chasing you around talking at you. If vent, then you have 5 minutes; if advice, heres what I recommend. PRN. The more tired my daughter is the more she talks and the less she reads me. Its like he has no concept of levels of annoyance, and rockets up to 11 each time. . It is a never ending source of stress, frustration, burn-out, etc. I was venting because, at the root, I dislike my job. It shows where her mind is at. When/If you do have a conversation with her, starting with this question might put you both in a better spot. Its likely she doesnt realise shes doing it so much, or just considers it part of normal work stress, so possibly needs your help to realise that a job causing an hour of venting every night isnt something that should be considered acceptable. Sensitivity aside, be honest with him about your need to share your daily life with him and about how unattractive you find his over-inflated ego. we no longer needed grievance hour to rage at everything. Three weeks later she had a new job. at Dear Prudence: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/02/adult-stepdaughter-naked-in-front-of-father-dear-prudence-advice.html. That might be too much for the OP, and OP might want to set other limits like not during dinner or only on Monday/Wednesday/Fridays but it made my friend feel heard, and it wasnt too much for me, and it encouraged her to find other outlets for the rest of her energy about her Thing. But still kept that job and complained about it to anyone who would listen. I like the idea of setting a post work, pre-dinner vent zone for 10-15 minutes. What I am hoping for is suggestions on how to curb complaining, as well as provide more work stress-relief outlets than me at dinnertime. (Anger is a stimulant emotion). You have to snap them out of it by asking questions changing the subject, stop what youre doing and actually look at them and listen and MAKE them listen to you too. I worked customer service where I spent eight hours a day being sworn at, had things thrown at me, followed to my car after work, sexually harassed by customers and coworkers, and had to deal with it all with a big ole fake smile on my face. Seconding this. So what am I going to do? Specifically, #143 I lent an ear to a friend, how do I get it back?. Why dont you go*insert something he knows she enjoys* while I start dinner?. Its had a positive impact on my whole life. Agree it must be tough to hear similar complaints day in and day out and not be able to weigh in/make suggestions (sounds like OPs wife wants to complain, not talk it out I totally get that and like a lot of other commenters here, appreciate the articulation of Im not looking for a solution, I just want to complain). Whats on her mind lately? Its basically a therapy chat app. Its just a time to sit and and tell each other about our day, talk about family business, plan stuff, and vent (Oh yes and have a cocktail). (This is in addition to possibly her doing therapy and/or finding a new job, depending on the situation), I live alone with my dog, who is a good listener, so I cant speak from current personal experience to the subtleties of managing this interaction in your current relationship- and all relationships have their own nuances anyway. Hes clearly said he will support my giving 2 weeks notice even if its before I find something new, and listening to my concerns about the changes. Not only is their energy draining, but theyre stressful to be around because theyre never satisfied with anything, theyre super critical of others, and nothing anyone does for them or just in general is ever good enough. Now? Exhibitionist & Voyeur 09/10/22: Summer Bet (4.47) A naughty bet leads to hot encounters. If her job is a real strain on her and she wants/needs to express that, it is both unsupportive and kind of mean for her partner to come back with I think complaining is a stupid choice to make, therefore you must stop expressing yourself to me when youre having a hard time. So if anyone here can or should change how theyre looking at the situation, I dont think its all on her. And the things you complain about are things you cant change. She may not even realize how stressful this is for you. The woman, now 39, alleged the Backstreet Boys artist raped her when she was 17 in 2001. What would make her happy? He comes home and immediately hops in the shower, I drag in a chair and he unloads about his day while washing up (I have been WFH since COVID so I am usually home. Its a know your audience thing, I guess. Last Updated November 14, 2022, 12:09 pm, by I dont/ do need help with solutions.. We also tracked how much we talked about work with a silly pie chart. It started when Covid started as husband became WFH, or on the rare occasions he is in the office hes there on his own. She makes quite a bit more money, and we live very comfortably primarily due to her income. Because 1) they had no power, and 2) I didnt want validation: I wanted change. A couple of weeks ago I met up with some work colleagues for dinner we hadnt seen each other in person for months, and of course we launched straight into a rant about our various work woes. Ive been trying to nod and mm-hmm my way through more of these, especially if its just more of something hes already talked about. She still does it to this day and people in he life have mentioned it to her but she still does it. And it prevents me from talking in circles trying to get that validation. It sounds like the OPs spouse is ending the day with those accounts completely overdrawn. After that, she avoid me. My husband has been griping for years about his job, yet has done absolutely nothing to move on from it in any way. When I got a new job so many of the issues disappeared. Maybe you both need some therapy to help with communication. BUT because Id set these boundaries and he was trying not to transfer it all to me (there had been *discussions* where I said I couldnt cope with this stress behaviour from him) he tried to keep it in and ended up opening his laptop one morning and realising he couldnt go on. Good luck! My mom used to call me up and tell me every gross medical detail (and I gag easily) about my dads illness and when I told her I needed her to stop, her response was that her need to tell me was more important than my need to say no. If it is that bad she needs a job change-but Im guessing she is more making conversation than anything else. And while intellectually you understand its the disease, emotionally it is hard and extremely draining! I try to limit it because its not helpful for my partner. Dont ask open ended things like, how was your day? Because you know the answer. Thats not good for our marriage, even though it might be what he wants in the moment. This may not be whats happening, and I mentioned this only because this happened with my wife and I, and it took a while for us to figure out the problem. It could also be a sign that she needs a new job, or that shes unhappy in general. Thats why I say consider. I moved out and went to college, but my sister was around for all of it. My friend felt that her coupledom had ceased to exist. And hell, you can pick up the pace and hate walk. Its a million dollar ide. I think having me lay it all out like that kind of clicked in his mind especially the fact that Id taken note of the time he spent on these rants. I was that wife and still can be if Im not being considerate. If she truly is, then maybe she is being forcefully pleasant? If none of those are options (or even if they are), she might benefit from journaling. She barely stops talking long enough to breathe. in ways that involve a lot of bottling up. She needed to dump, but he didnt need to absorb it. I wasnt going to say anything new I had known the bride and groom and their families since we were kids and there was no solution to be found. What ultimately worked for me was literally saying over several conversations, I need you to complain less, and I am EXHAUSTED. OP, how much do you talk about work? But if thats not enough, then maybe she would benefit from therapy with someone who can listen compassionately and neutrally while pointing her toward ways to manage or change the situation. He explains where youve been going wrong and what you need to do to make your wife fall back in love with you. I wonder if it would be helpful to her to journal (it might be too slow, so maybe not) or vent to a nanny cam or something else where she needs to just get it out of her body, but you arent the recipient. I have found that naming the content of the conversation can take some of the anxiety away Yikes, that sounds like an awful day. I admit this may be different for chronic complainers, but I have to admit I find what are you planning to do about it? super grating. Theres enough reciprocity in other parts of the relationship that I dont feel like the burden is unfair. BTW, I think calling it complaining may sound a bit dismissive? I need my partner to be supportive and listen to me processing/what is going on in my life. Husband NEVER talks about his work when hes off the clock, he doesnt think about work but I do sometimes need to vent, and as Im not in the office these days, it does tend to fall to him. Maybe shell see how frustrating it would be to have to be on the other end of that all the time and will keep her complaints to that journal. I know that I tend to rant about what is happening in my work, but I genuinely try to find the humour and ridiculousness in it. That was a dash of cold water I had no idea I was putting so much stress on him. Thankfully, they were all fine, butthere was very little I could do other than wait for the test and if they were badwell, that was out of my control too. If I kept my vents short and simple, they were much easier to absorb. He lovingly pointed these things out to me, and after talking it through, I figured out what I was looking for in a new job, what my non-negotiables are, and started looking. Its really tiring to hear constant daily complaints from people, no matter how much you love them. November 14, 2022, 12:05 pm, by But if its clear that the complaining never gets to a decision-making/action-taking phase and/or its the same complaints that come up over and over and over again, this technique could potentially push someone out of the Complaining Spiral to Nowhere. Feeling like your marriage has been rockier than usual? As a result I would set your boundaries to protect your own mental health BUT also encourage speaking to a neutral third party/professional in case it is more than venting. I think your wife needs to find a new job if she dislikes this one so much. For I have been conducting my own lengthy and probing research into the matter - watching Im A Celebrity . But I paid her an hourly rate and she had a supervisor to go to in order to deal with the fallout of peoples second hand trauma. And Peggys reaction? I speak to my husband about work but on occasions I need to vent I ask if its okay with him, then cut myself off at ten minutes. Love the idea for walks on really bad days. You probably have a favorite song or a certain way of brushing your teeth or combing your hair. Might she have friends she could decompress with sometimes so its not always you? Do you just want to vent or are you asking for advice? Shes either already found someone else in her daily life she wants to look good for, or she wants to look good enough again to feel attractive for men other than you. Good luck!! I understand its awkward, but you pick up your plate, go to the basement/your car/the back porch, and finish your dinner there. It was a perfect place to break all kinds of glass things where it was already known to have sharp pottery shards on the ground. I have a similar challenge with my partner as well as my friends. Its kind of cathartic to chuck a tennis ball with all your strength while complaining about frustrations. Be clearer with what you need and perhaps offer or help her find resources or another job. Everything was so fresh in his mind that he was processing it very intensely, in front of me. Youre a good sister. Im glad his kindly-worded observation helped you see what you needed to do. If we dont fill our empty spots in our lives then life stuff will fill them in for us. And unlike your wife, her friends dont have the foundation of being in love with you theyre more than ready to say what they really feel and encourage your wife to follow her heart, even if it means leaving you. "If I go home and share every single moment of my day, my husband's eyes glaze over. Finish your dinner in the basement, or on the back porch, or in your car. No kids. She can need someone to vent to, but that doesnt obligate you to be that person, every day, forever. Heres a technique Ive picked up over th last year: if I have a stressful day thats now just sort of sitting in my brain and body, continuing to make me feel stressed, I need to complete the circle of stress. Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own. Its not that she necessarily hates you (although she might); she just cant find it in her to care long enough about you to wonder whether youre doing alright. I just dont react to it anymore- or at least not as often or as deeply. I am not saying that you need a divorce. Its the Thursday ask the readers question. If the spectre of your annoying boss looms over your kitchen table just as he or she does your office desk then what's the point in going home? They deserve an opportunity to set a boundary around something that is causing frustration. I was struggling during WFH with my husbands intense complaints about his work. Other commenters already suggested Captain Awkward, and I, too, believe the Captains wisdom is OPs best hope, specifically letter #883: My husband hates his job and Im tired of hearing about it. Good luck, OP! There needs to be reciprocity, and each spouse needs to have other sources of support. Ive tried to dial back my complaining by differentiating between normal-level annoyances and above-normal-level annoyances. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track. Why do you want to stay there with all these problems?. Funny how humour and perspective help. Even if it gets in the wrong hands, you wont have to worry about it getting into your employers hands. For me, I usually feel worse after venting (because now I just brought all my work frustrations into free time! Fortunately I have a better job now, so ranting is limited but the cats are great listeners! I think the problem here is that the wife is processing the same feelings verbally day after day after day. At this point, are you open to having conversations with your spouse about her work concerns if they are constructive ones? I gently suggested that, since they used the I just want someone to vent to tactic, they call their EAP, or perhaps reach out to a therapist, and they did, a couple of times, but nothing really stuck. Is it hard for her to stay in a conversation? What do you think you want to do about that? I dont even expect to hear a response. Are you two routinely setting goals as a couple and achieving them? We really stirred each other up about how stupid everyone else was or looked or acted. Pay & Create a CCBill Pay Enter your payment details below to complete your purchase as you normally would. Third, similar to the first two. She says she needs someone to tell about her day, but she doesnt get that what she is doing is relieving herself of negativity and placing it squarely on you. THEN, use the last 15 minutes to check in with each other, share anything that is headline news about your respective work days, and then move on into your evening together. He took himself to the doctor for a checkup, and went back on his depression and anxiety meds. Mature 01/14/14: A Photographer Reminisces (4.59): A glamour photographers start in life as a young eager lad. I do not suggest for a moment that we chuck out the baby with the bathwater. I realised that she wasnt going to change so I would need to be the one to make the changes, which I did and our relationship is so much better for it. Its really easy to continue ranting once youve started, and not realize how long youve been going, because you keep yourself riled up. You might remember a time when your wife told you everything things you needed to know and things you didnt even know to ask. So in this article, were going to explore the surefire signs that your wife might have fallen out of love with you. Maybe she does need a new job. He got angry at me and then he got really sad and felt guilty and awful and cried (a lot. My spouse has a highly technical job and so sometimes I check in like, is it important that I actually understand this part or? I have more to offer on the interpersonal stuff I hope! Your wife is supposed to be with you through thick and thin, as the wedding vows go. I noticed that it felt like a drag to me to talk to this person. I would get sick of the same complaints over and over again too. What is our fault, however - and for this we do only have ourselves to blame - is the growing vogue for making a virtue out of necessity. Figure these things out and shell be set for a targeted job search. It would be entirely possible for some men to drive to work, sit at a desk, bark a few scant orders, go home, turn on the television and make good night the first meaningful phrase of the day. But it can be so annoying and frustrating when its happening, particularly when i want to share positive work news or accomplishments. She might be thinking of a future that doesnt include you. I think it was good and healthy for both of us, and it kept me from spending my evenings spiraling over issues at work. It is legit to feel like you cant deal with the level of venting your friend or partner or family member seems to need. I dont have concrete suggstions besides trying to put a firm limit on venting-time (20 minutes tops, I say). A lot of the time I am doing something else such as cooking dinner or gaming, and so its easy to listen to her. So, perhaps part of the solution is filling in that what else bucket for both of you. All on FoxSports.com. Maybe have a talk when shes NOT griping, and set some mutually agreeable rules for where and when you can BOTH blow off steam. If this womans job is that bad, she needs a change. Since a lot of their frustrations were tied to personal stressors, I suggested getting a therapist. Especially thanks to COVID, people just have less going on with their day. Or, was your a-hole boss better today?Because you know the answer. My partner and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to complaints he doesnt find complaining helpful at all and has a tendency to let problems build up to a breaking point before bringing them up, whereas I tend to complain a lot more than the average person. I like this a lot. I was met with Yes, but, . I got really tired of hearing the same supposedly insoluble gripes every day. She doesnt want any awkward situation to come about. Shop the best selection of deals on Fitness now. Personally, I tried them last year while going through the mother of all crises in my own love life. That doesn't mean cutting someone out of your working life, it just means not dragging them into it day in, day out. But he also does gripe about all sorts of petty (to me) things, as others have wondered about for OPs wife. This is incredibly hard if you didnt get a chance as a kid to experience negative emotions without your parents immediately trying to solve them for you or minimize them. But the OP cant fix that for her. If she isnt sure, talking to a counselor or therapist might help. 2 people trying to out-vent each other is terrible. The irony was lost on the chronic complainers, too. ! and basically commiserating and patting each other on the back and being encouraging to get through whatever the next couple weeks throws at us. I love this. Seriously, just nod and smile with an occasional, that is awful or uh-huh. A couple things that have helped at our house: Approach the topic with kindness, set some boundaries, and see if your partner needs a new job or would consider therapy. For my wife, I pick her up after work and we go to breakfast. I said although its normal to have a few complaints, or a bit of a moan after a bad day, lately every day seemed like a bad day and he was complaining about it for hours at a time, every single day. It worked, really well. It was so draining being on the receiving end of constant ranting and when the persons situation got better I did set some boundaries and they were not received well. I have no useful advice to contribute but Im bookmarking this page to read later. And the reason I try whenever possible to sit beside a man on a long-haul flight is that, I am sorry to say, it is far, far rarer for a man so to, The third obvious culprit to blame for the current explosion of needless chatter, especially that concerning what is intimate and should properly stay that way, is the grotesque cult of. Unfortunately my only recollection of the source is that it was probably the BBC News website reporting on some research, probably about 4 years ago, so I cant link to it for anyone interested. And venting was a way of letting go of some of that stress. The key is that the other person feels comfortable saying no, so YMMV. We cant get rid of negative things in our lives but we can strive to reach the tipping point of the positivity ratio (3 to 1) to reap the benefits (more openness, creativity, connectedness, serenity, etc) Maybe OP can read the book and his wife will be encouraged by his example to read and try as well. And I am not sure that there really is that much to be smug about. But no, it turns out its both very useful for solving problems AND difficult to do. This is just from my perspective. But this is not the advice I would give to the letter writer!! We all have our own flaws, issues, and insecurities; things we wish we didnt have to deal with. While you may get some quick, shallow apologies from time to time, youll never experience a true heartfelt apology from her. One thing we all should realize is that although there are lots of things we cant control about our lives, we can control our attitudes and our response. 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Shes trying to DESTROY YOU) and go on about my day. While it *technically* is a choice, a lot of people process their feelings best verbally, and it isnt a moral failing to do so. Im afraid Im guilty of this, so its interesting to see from the perspective of the recipient. This promotion probably means a lot to him. It sounds like OPs wife may need to take steps to find a better situation, and a real therapist could help with that more than an app. My fault for venting too much? My wife is the non-technical one, and Ive gotten better about hiding the technical details under a rug when telling a story, but sometimes, the lump under the rug starts making gurgling noises and sending out exploratory pseudopods, and I have to realize that the story Im telling really doesnt work with my wife. Im a venter and am taking what Im reading to heart. I find that that the say something positive approach has been super helpful for me too when I get in a bit of a funk. I just finished listening to Rising Strong by Brene Brown on audiobook, twice, and its been life changing for me in learning to just let a lot of ish goso I might recommend that too. I suspect that one part of whats happening here is that OP and Wife dont perceive the purpose of the complaining the same way. Is this venting steam, or would you like suggestions or problem-solving to reduce this frustration? But she doesnt seem to remember these kinds of things anymore. Try I statements and avoiding phrases like you always or you never.. Its hard when you have a toxin-handling and/or other type of stressful job not to dump some of it out. Youre in charge of communicating what *you* need, feel, expect, or will/wont do. Or maybe gently suggest talking to a therapist for a few sessions. If you carry that into this conversation, making it about how shes doing something wrong, guess who shes going to be complaining about next? For years I have just held my tongue and listened and nodded, but I am tired of it. I do mind, however, when a total stranger seeks to do likewise; when I am expected to hear, then comment upon the domestic and other emotional. Good luck! They have I transferred out of customer facing work last year and the relief was immediate and intense. You have the right to not have to listen to constant negativity if its taking a toll on you. It helped keep work complaints in perspective, gave us the outlet to word vomit about the verbal abuse we suffered, and kept catharsis from taking over the rest of the day. Removed. My husband used to complain about his job every night, and it was very wearing on me. It may simply be that these are indicators of trouble ahead in your marriage. Sometimes just listening helps. If she really needs to know a person is hearing her, and there are no other options, maybe the Crisis Text Line or another hotline would be useful? If one of us talked too much, it was fine for the other to say I need a turn before we got home. My husband has recently voiced that he doesnt have anyone to complain to AT work and I think this is huge. If the partner is actually looking for solutions, then the couple can make a plan to problem solve after a nice quiet dinner, and probably point her to this site for ideas about changing to a better work environment. Its up to her what she does with that info, but its one of those things thats hard to see if youre stuck inside your own head. However, you do need to start taking action to stop the downward slide. what should we have for dinner?. This worked very well for us when we both were underpaid in toxic jobs and desperate for some relief. When they complain, just nod your head and seem disinterested. Because my complaining has developed in part from growing up in an environment where I was discouraged from expressing any emotions, my instinct was to get defensive when it was brought up. Best of luck, OP. With my ex-husband, it also started to feel like enabling after a while- he hated his job, and would complain about it endlessly, but always had a reason why he couldnt/wouldnt change jobs. But, while it is true that there is a fine line between venting and dwelling on the negative, I would urge OP to consider that they are not their wifes parent, and do not need to tell their wife where that line is for her. Perhaps OPs wife would enjoy it or something similar. My husband being more involved in the conversation- really hearing and validating my experience, and also actively bringing up other topics besides work My partner and I dealt with this exact issue during the past year. Something that adds to the frustrating is that we rely on my income/benefits and Im paid much above average for my area, I cant afford to change jobs. Why doesnt the letter writer try thinking more positively about her instead of asking she think more positively about her terrible job? Anyhoo, I had not actually realized that the daily venting had become so regular, and very annoying to my husband. My partner and I had a similar issue (one of us is naturally chatty and one of is naturally quiet to add to the mix too). As weve said before, when she cant even muster the energy to give you any attention at all, then it might be a sign she just isnt invested in your relationship anymore. I just offer these things because theyve really helped me when Ive felt like I was in your partners shoes AND when I have felt like I was in your shoes. But how much complaining is too much? I think this is part of my moms problem. All that means is that I need to express the stress in some way punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow, furious dancing, vigorous walk, sometimes even a cry so that the stress Im feeling internally gets out of my body and I can start to calm down. So why take up someones time explaining it to them? They both might want one. I get the value in redirection of energy without laying it out as an exercise, but think reception of this depends a lot on whether she generally thinks there is anything positive or to be proud of at all there. The outcome became that a) there was no room for me to talk about my problems because his took up so much air; by the time he was done complaining I really didnt have energy to share my own feelings, b) he never got any happier because surprise, spending most of your outside-of-work conversations on work and whats wrong with work and how miserable you are at work doesnt actually make you feel better, and c) I was getting burnt out. If no, use some combination of Alisons points 1 and 2 to try adn get her to at least reduce the amount of complaining youre exposed to. . Since work spouses are really just close friends, its not surprising that many employees report having a work spouse. I would give her ten minutes-set a timer! Id need to take a huge pay/benefits cut to do something else, which we cant afford. I dont have the answers unfortunately. Ongoing situationsdealt with the X Situation again today. NonConsent/Reluctance 10/25/10: Julie's Surprise (3.97) A small story of embarrassment and humiliation. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and Ive spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Find other avenues to release the energy? Ive also heard of doing it as a peach and a pit where each kid take about a good thing and bad thing about their day. Exhibitionist & Voyeur 10/16/10: Monday Morning and at Work (4.30) Shes struggling and she wants just one person in her life to hear what SHE has to say about it all. it's getting stressful just to listen about it, if you want to keep these relationships up with coworkers that you're not going to see anymore, then great, but I don't want to hear about it anymore." I very much do not think OP is being selfish. Is it due to finances, location (e.g. There are plenty of relationships where friends just treat their friends husband as someone they have to accept or tolerate because even if they dont necessarily like you, they know that you make your wife happy and thats good enough. "The result is that we don't talk about the bad parts unless they have real meaning to us. The point is to shift her mindset. So I stopped. Your wife needs to be in therapy, looking for a new job, or some combination of the two. 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